29/05/24:
I hate tumblr as a platform because you can post things like, 'As a former baker, I am tired of baking bread, and lately I prefer cake' and people will reblog it with comments along the lines of, 'But bread is of great cultural significance and it has many dietary benefits, and I like bread because...' and people will reblog the latter with comments of 'oh! so true!' and... Motherfucker, all I wanted to do was express my feelings about how I was tired of bread.
04/05/24:
Lately my brain keeps coughing up memories of every unpleasant thing anyone has ever said to me, and this is unpleasant, but the takeaway from this is very much, ‘LOOK! HERE’S WHY YOU TURNED OUT THE WAY YOU DID! WONDER NO MORE!’
The unsettling thing is this, though: either I was the ugliest, most useless kid… And/or a lot of people felt the need to undermine me (I suppose this isn’t really an ‘either’ thing). And it wasn’t specific people, it just felt like it was coming from every single side. Like boom guess what, you live in a world where the majority of people are indifferent or hostile! Good times, good times!
27/04/24:
The fact that I'm still in the habit of doomscrolling reddit just goes to show that my brain values novelty over positivity. Although I do wonder if the constant barrage along the lines of 'LOOK AT THIS AWFUL THING SOMEONE DID' still provides novelty by this point.
27/04/24:
Like how a fish probably takes water for granted, I think I underestimate just how much my life is determined by fear. Whenever I think about doing something that involves a long-term commitment, the Fear kicks in, and I imagine all the worst-case scenarios (which seem worse for the fact that you can't typically get out of long-term commitments easily). I don't think this is entirely bad, as I'm a stickler for contingency plans and I'm a believer in 'plan for the worst, hope for the best', but it does scare me off a lot of things before I can attempt them in the first place.
26/04/24:
Why do I have anxiety in the first place? PROBABLY FROM SEEING UK PUBLIC INFORMATION FILMS AS A CHILD.
26/04/24:
I stay away from most social media, but I still browse reddit, and I suspect that the doomscrolling is making my anxiety worse.